Jelly Cats and Heart Break
Less than 8 weeks away -- my due date that is. If I'm a week late again, that's 9 weeks max. September 14th. It's creeping up on me. And so are my emotions.
This second pregnancy is so unlike the first. Putting physical differences aside (the wee one inside & my own body), I think one of the biggest things has been that I haven't really been able to really dwell on it... to really stop and think and dream and wonder and plan. You see, I have this little two year old...
And this two year old has captured my heart. I have an incredibly difficult time not thinking about life in her terms -- what works best for her, how she will react, her feelings, her understanding...
A couple days ago I bought a Jelly Cat stuffed animal (a bear) for baby H. I bought him one because I figured he would want to be (or I wanted him to want to be) just like his big sister. His big sister has a Jelly Cat bunny, aptly named "Jelly," that she loves and adores and has to have every night. They are snuggle partners in crime and I just wanted to see my sweet baby boy with a cuddle bear too!
Well, the new-with-tags bear sat on the couch as I brought M out of her room from nap. I hadn't intended on showing it to her, or her seeing it all, but it was the first thing her eyes fixated on. She wiggled down from my arms and ran to it screaming "more jelly! my jelly!" She delighted herself in it snuggling it so close to her chest that I thought it might engraft into her precious skin. I let her play with it and hug and kiss it. And then, I broke her heart... I told her it wasn't for her. It was for her brother.
She argued. She pleaded. She cried. She got angry. Lots of tears.
I tried to explain to her. I called in reinforcement and the three of us sat and "talked" it out.
"this is for your baby brother... I know you want one too... i know this is really hard to understand... things are gonna be hard at first... mommy loves you just as much as baby brother... they'll be times when H gets things that you don't... they'll be times when you get things that H doesn't... this Jelly is for your brother..."
She sat on my lap with big rolling tears and snuffiling snot. I knew she understood. But still she let out a last whimpering plea, "I want Jelly." I started to cry myself as I knew her little world had been shattered.
I was not prepared. I've known I needed to prepare myself. But its the same as I know stretching and exercising will be good for labor... I keep putting it off. I kept/keep clinging to my last few weeks where I can invest every part of myself solely to her. I revel in it. My sweet princess who first made me a momma. I'm anxious about hurting her more when the baby comes. I know it will happen.
But as hard as it is, I know that this is good. Even at two, there are hard lessons to be learned. And even though my heart breaks too and parts of me tell myself to give up and give in and not face the hard things, I know that as her Mommy I am called to walk beside her through the storms. Not just to make my presence known, that I will always love her, but to more so make HIS presence known. To help her find her identity in a loving Savior, not an identity found in mom's affection or the world's approval. And sometimes that feels like a shattering world -- when things don't go our way, when we are disappointed by ones we love, when we don't get the attention we want, when friends fail us, when we don't get the teddy bear prize...
As I imagine forward through the next 15/20 years of her life I foresee lots of heart breaks as she learns life's lessons and does the hard things. My sweet M -- if ever you should read this, know that my heart breaks with yours, I know the pain too and want to so badly take it for you, but more than that I rejoice that in every storm, at age 2, 16, or 35, you have a loving infinite Father who is working all things together for your good and His Glory. You are immensely loved and I am so thankful for, proud of, and blessed by your sweet heart.