Everyone keeps asking me "what do you want?" referring to baby's gender. I dislike that question anyway -- because of course my answer is a healthy baby (be it God's will) - gender really is of no issue. I am excited and blessed no matter what. What a gift!
But honestly, I think most of us would say we have a small tingling of a preference in the back of our head -- be it unspoken or not. I felt that way with M. I wanted a sweet little girl to have dance parties with so very badly. I prayed that God would protect my heart and make sure I would be just as excited with a baby boy. And I trusted that God would answer that prayer. I was anxious that if I found out that I was having a boy, I would feel some initial guilt for not wanting him all along. I know lots of friends who go through this after finding out the gender -- however fleeting it might be as the realness of their present blessing sets in. (but maybe that is why some of you don't find out gender??)
This time? I really don't know if I even have a secret excitement towards one gender or the other. I have searched and searched my heart wondering "what do I want," and come up dry with an answer. I am so engulfed by this little almost two year old infront of me that although I love the little kicks and tugs I feel in my growing belly, I can't imagine what having two different babies with two separate identities will be like.
I also feel very protective over M. Wondering what she will understand. How she will feel about a new baby. My regular prayer for her is that God will prepare her heart to be a big sister and that she will always find her identity in Him alone. And so when I think about gender, I think of it in term of her -- what will be better for her? A little sister to be best friends with? A little boy so she can remain my one and only little girl? For whatever crazy reason, I keep acting like she is the one who has providence over the gender of the baby in order to best suite herself.
My husband keeps reminding me that it is good for children to realize that mommy's and daddy's world does not revolve around only them. They need to find their identities outside of their parent's attention and approval. Parts of me want to recoil and say no and lavish my baby with her every want and command. But I know that he is certainly right. I want to point my children towards God, not towards themselves or to myself.
I am so thankful that when we find the gender out on Wednesday that it will be no new news to God, that before the foundations of the earth were laid, He already had my family planned. That through his grace and providence and desire to bring glory to himself and good to my family that he chose baby #2 to be a girl or to be a boy. And that, that is what I want.